Schizophrenia loosely translates to "split mind".
From the comments I've received, it shows that I don't need to be cryptic anymore. There's a decent chance I could be stop-lossed and deployed again. Not five feet from me is a complete copy of my medical history from the past four years. Two inches thick, one sided paper.
Fuck them, dude, fuck all of them. Fuck everyone, you did what you said you would, your time is up, this is YOU now, they can all eat a big bag of dicks.
Yeah, and that contract I signed? You ever take a closer look at it? It's very OPEN on their end.
Are you fucking serious? Please, for the love of GOD, do not be one of those fucking tools who buys into that, "Well you signed a contract" bullshit.
...But I did.
Without any clue what you were getting yourself into. Yeah, you THOUGHT you knew, you know, cuz you were nineteen and a fucking genius and all. That was several funerals ago.
Back then, I signed up to help the guys who were already getting nailed. Now? The guys I fought with are going again, plus new guys, plus guys from other units joining us. No matter what, THEY ARE GOING.
Someone is ALWAYS going to go. Think about it, you schmuck. A little over four years ago, you didn't have SHIT to worry about. Now you've done your four, but because of that waiver of rights, I mean "contract", you can be stop-lossed or called back, or any other manner of Voluntarily Molested By Uncle Sam.
There's still that National Guard option. They have a slot open for a combat medic.
Yyyyyyeah, plus your previous MOS, either way, you're still on the ground.
But odds are, we wouldn't even get deplo--
.....Combat medic and what, EMT as a civilian? Good plan, chief. Fuck yourself up a bit more. GET A REAL EDUCATION AND LIVE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN, HOW'S THAT SOUND?
If they DO stop-loss me, this time around, I know to save ALL that money. I have hardly any bills.
Are you fucking serious? Really? Open your eyes, man. Most 18, 19 year olds, they start their lives just fine, without having to enlist to support them. They aren't all trust fund babies either. These are the average Joes and Janes, and not the GI type either.
That doesn't change the fact that I'm bound by contract. I can't go, "Oh, my bad, this doesn't work for me." I'm so invested in this already that we're too far in to go and fuck it up now.
Shit, they probably wouldn't even so much as issue a warrant.
And that would make the GI Bill worth LOTS, wouldn't it?
GI Bill isn't worth shit when you're dead either.
Fuck YOU. You goddamn bleeding heart. Go back and read the horseshit you wrote back in the early days, bright eyes and high hopes, blinders in full effect. Try to buy into that again if you can, really, I would just LOVE to see it.
It's just a matter of doing time, covering your ass, and getting out. Going along to get along, playing the game.
Sure, sure it is. It's Russian Roulette. Fuck man, open your eyes. EVERY NEW BULLSHIT MOVIE THAT COMES OUT FINDS A WAY TO SOMEHOW SHOWCASE THE NEW ARMY WITH THE NICE NEW UNIFORMS. Strange coincidence? It's a fucking recruiting tool.
Yeah, and it's sick and insulting and apalling.
AND it's ineffective, or else you wouldn't be writing this, Dude wouldn't be writing about his friends getting The Letter either.
And HOW much of this is even up to me? Uhh......nnnnnnone. It's a gamble no matter which way you slice it.
Well, hindsight is 20/20 they say. Remember how they all said you should try college first? Hmm. About that. Too late now. Now you went and put your name in the hat because you knew everything, and you were out to crusade and pick your share of cotton for the Greater Good. Where did it get you? Panic attacks? You don't even remember 90% of your graduating class. Is that because there were just too many people, or were you blown up a bit too much?
I can't do shit about it except for hope for the best and prepare for the worst and you know that.
And how trite. You are staring straight down the barrel of another deployment, and for what? Not even TOUCHING the WMD etc argument, we're talking another year of your life (and you have no idea how many of those you even have left) spent in a section of the earth that isn't worth living in, supporting a culture that couldn't give two shits about us. Two-faced lying bastards. If they had ANY sense of community, this shit would not have gone on for SIX YEARS. Just like that call you got last time around. About the building that was rigged to blow? The Iraqi Army got wind of it, but when asked about what they were doing, they said, "Oh, we're waiting for the Americans to get here." And who walked in there? You and two officers. Real bright man. You even ate lunch in there.
Fucking think about it dude, YOU, an E4, have say in exactly JACK SHIT. You want to roll the dice for another 365? Pass that revolver around long enough and your number is bound to come up. Trying to fight a nice neat, tidy politically correct conflict? Fuck you dude. Fuck you. Voluntary sitting duck moron. You're a tool, a cog, and nothing more. Raising your hand for a chance to be a statistic in the newspaper. Iraq doesn't sound so cool the second time around, does it?
Fuck you, Call of Duty.
Fuck you, Jerry Bruckheimer.
Fuck every lying, conniving recruiter out there.
Back in six months? Fuck no, you let me out and I'm gone for GOOD. I'll flip burgers or sweep parking lots.
Fuck every last prick who doesn't have the balls to admit that we FUCKED UP, and would rather lay young men and women to rest than claim responsibility for a failure. Iraq is supposed to be stable after we pull out? Gotcha.
Fuck every liberal opinionated douche that I've yet to meet, especially the one that'll get my seat in class if I get sucked back into this. Fuck every whiny, suicidal, self-pitying emo fuck that would rather choke on downers than sign up and hold a spot so that a vet can go to school.
Fuck every Go Army bumper sticker, every magazine ad, every commercial, every lie. Fuck every left-wingnut who assumes that every last Joe is brainwashed.
Fuck Iraq and everyone in it, every last one of them. Each and every one of them assuming that THEY are a special case. Fuck them and both of their two-faces.
Fuck every overzealous bastard that fills third world citizens of religious fanaticism and drives them to murder in the name of a god. A god isn't SHIT if he or she or it cannot kill on their own. Fuck the mosques and fuck the churches, like you need some sort of reserved area to be religious? Deities aren't native americans, you can't push them aside and then try to buy fireworks from them.
Fuck whoever decided that America is #1 and has to govern the rest of the planet. This is just a hunk of land. Imaginary borders. The only thing that seperates us from anyone else, is the illusion of seperation. Fuck that.
Fuck me for buying into all of this.
Fuck every conversation about it all being for oil, and fuck every conversation about it being for democracy. Call it what you want, but the real reason is simple: we're sick. SICK.
Fuck this blog and every contradiction in it. Fuck this whole organized mess. But really, all I'm doing is spraying it in any direction I can see. What I want to say, is fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me for thinking that it was going to be that simple. Fuck me for putting myself in the position to feel like I have to choose between the guys in uniform and my own future.
I'm going to continue going about clearing post and getting out, looking over my shoulder the entire time. Completely unable to get excited about college or anything else with the shadow of the back door draft (you signed up for it -- FUCK YOU!) looming overhead.
Fuck it man, it goes one of two ways. They let me out, I go about my life as a relatively normal and decent person. Or, they keep me in, deploy me again. Paranoia like a motherfucker, trusting no one who isn't in uniform, and even then it's up for debate. All bets are off, it's about saving money and staying alive and intact. An old man on a bike doesn't stand a chance against my will to live. Humanity simplified down to its finest and most honest: me before you, asshole.
That isn't who I want to be. That's what I mean when I say that my soul hangs in the balance. If I get deployed again, I honestly don't think I'll have room for any emotion other than hate. Hate for me, hate for my superiors, hate for all of them. Hate for everything within sight. When you can't trust an eight year old boy, that's when you know things are really fucked up.
And make no mistake, things are VERY VERY fucked up. Fuck all of it. And fuck every second I spend waiting to find out what happens. DEMOCRACY LIVES. Hooah?!