Monday, March 2, 2009

Schizophrenic Headbashing

Schizophrenia loosely translates to "split mind".

From the comments I've received, it shows that I don't need to be cryptic anymore. There's a decent chance I could be stop-lossed and deployed again. Not five feet from me is a complete copy of my medical history from the past four years. Two inches thick, one sided paper.

Fuck them, dude, fuck all of them. Fuck everyone, you did what you said you would, your time is up, this is YOU now, they can all eat a big bag of dicks.

Yeah, and that contract I signed? You ever take a closer look at it? It's very OPEN on their end.

Are you fucking serious? Please, for the love of GOD, do not be one of those fucking tools who buys into that, "Well you signed a contract" bullshit.

...But I did.

Without any clue what you were getting yourself into. Yeah, you THOUGHT you knew, you know, cuz you were nineteen and a fucking genius and all. That was several funerals ago.

Back then, I signed up to help the guys who were already getting nailed. Now? The guys I fought with are going again, plus new guys, plus guys from other units joining us. No matter what, THEY ARE GOING.

Someone is ALWAYS going to go. Think about it, you schmuck. A little over four years ago, you didn't have SHIT to worry about. Now you've done your four, but because of that waiver of rights, I mean "contract", you can be stop-lossed or called back, or any other manner of Voluntarily Molested By Uncle Sam.

There's still that National Guard option. They have a slot open for a combat medic.

Yyyyyyeah, plus your previous MOS, either way, you're still on the ground.

But odds are, we wouldn't even get deplo--

.....Combat medic and what, EMT as a civilian? Good plan, chief. Fuck yourself up a bit more. GET A REAL EDUCATION AND LIVE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN, HOW'S THAT SOUND?

If they DO stop-loss me, this time around, I know to save ALL that money. I have hardly any bills.

Are you fucking serious? Really? Open your eyes, man. Most 18, 19 year olds, they start their lives just fine, without having to enlist to support them. They aren't all trust fund babies either. These are the average Joes and Janes, and not the GI type either.

That doesn't change the fact that I'm bound by contract. I can't go, "Oh, my bad, this doesn't work for me." I'm so invested in this already that we're too far in to go and fuck it up now.

Shit, they probably wouldn't even so much as issue a warrant.

And that would make the GI Bill worth LOTS, wouldn't it?

GI Bill isn't worth shit when you're dead either.

Fuck you.

Fuck YOU. You goddamn bleeding heart. Go back and read the horseshit you wrote back in the early days, bright eyes and high hopes, blinders in full effect. Try to buy into that again if you can, really, I would just LOVE to see it.

It's just a matter of doing time, covering your ass, and getting out. Going along to get along, playing the game.

Sure, sure it is. It's Russian Roulette. Fuck man, open your eyes. EVERY NEW BULLSHIT MOVIE THAT COMES OUT FINDS A WAY TO SOMEHOW SHOWCASE THE NEW ARMY WITH THE NICE NEW UNIFORMS. Strange coincidence? It's a fucking recruiting tool.

Yeah, and it's sick and insulting and apalling.

AND it's ineffective, or else you wouldn't be writing this, Dude wouldn't be writing about his friends getting The Letter either.

And HOW much of this is even up to me? Uhh......nnnnnnone. It's a gamble no matter which way you slice it.

Well, hindsight is 20/20 they say. Remember how they all said you should try college first? Hmm. About that. Too late now. Now you went and put your name in the hat because you knew everything, and you were out to crusade and pick your share of cotton for the Greater Good. Where did it get you? Panic attacks? You don't even remember 90% of your graduating class. Is that because there were just too many people, or were you blown up a bit too much?

I can't do shit about it except for hope for the best and prepare for the worst and you know that.

And how trite. You are staring straight down the barrel of another deployment, and for what? Not even TOUCHING the WMD etc argument, we're talking another year of your life (and you have no idea how many of those you even have left) spent in a section of the earth that isn't worth living in, supporting a culture that couldn't give two shits about us. Two-faced lying bastards. If they had ANY sense of community, this shit would not have gone on for SIX YEARS. Just like that call you got last time around. About the building that was rigged to blow? The Iraqi Army got wind of it, but when asked about what they were doing, they said, "Oh, we're waiting for the Americans to get here." And who walked in there? You and two officers. Real bright man. You even ate lunch in there.

Fucking think about it dude, YOU, an E4, have say in exactly JACK SHIT. You want to roll the dice for another 365? Pass that revolver around long enough and your number is bound to come up. Trying to fight a nice neat, tidy politically correct conflict? Fuck you dude. Fuck you. Voluntary sitting duck moron. You're a tool, a cog, and nothing more. Raising your hand for a chance to be a statistic in the newspaper. Iraq doesn't sound so cool the second time around, does it?

Fuck you, Call of Duty.

Fuck you, Jerry Bruckheimer.

Fuck every lying, conniving recruiter out there.

Back in six months? Fuck no, you let me out and I'm gone for GOOD. I'll flip burgers or sweep parking lots.

Fuck every last prick who doesn't have the balls to admit that we FUCKED UP, and would rather lay young men and women to rest than claim responsibility for a failure. Iraq is supposed to be stable after we pull out? Gotcha.

Fuck every liberal opinionated douche that I've yet to meet, especially the one that'll get my seat in class if I get sucked back into this. Fuck every whiny, suicidal, self-pitying emo fuck that would rather choke on downers than sign up and hold a spot so that a vet can go to school.

Fuck every Go Army bumper sticker, every magazine ad, every commercial, every lie. Fuck every left-wingnut who assumes that every last Joe is brainwashed.

Fuck Iraq and everyone in it, every last one of them. Each and every one of them assuming that THEY are a special case. Fuck them and both of their two-faces.

Fuck every overzealous bastard that fills third world citizens of religious fanaticism and drives them to murder in the name of a god. A god isn't SHIT if he or she or it cannot kill on their own. Fuck the mosques and fuck the churches, like you need some sort of reserved area to be religious? Deities aren't native americans, you can't push them aside and then try to buy fireworks from them.

Fuck whoever decided that America is #1 and has to govern the rest of the planet. This is just a hunk of land. Imaginary borders. The only thing that seperates us from anyone else, is the illusion of seperation. Fuck that.

Fuck me for buying into all of this.

Fuck every conversation about it all being for oil, and fuck every conversation about it being for democracy. Call it what you want, but the real reason is simple: we're sick. SICK.

Fuck this blog and every contradiction in it. Fuck this whole organized mess. But really, all I'm doing is spraying it in any direction I can see. What I want to say, is fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me for thinking that it was going to be that simple. Fuck me for putting myself in the position to feel like I have to choose between the guys in uniform and my own future.

I'm going to continue going about clearing post and getting out, looking over my shoulder the entire time. Completely unable to get excited about college or anything else with the shadow of the back door draft (you signed up for it -- FUCK YOU!) looming overhead.

Fuck it man, it goes one of two ways. They let me out, I go about my life as a relatively normal and decent person. Or, they keep me in, deploy me again. Paranoia like a motherfucker, trusting no one who isn't in uniform, and even then it's up for debate. All bets are off, it's about saving money and staying alive and intact. An old man on a bike doesn't stand a chance against my will to live. Humanity simplified down to its finest and most honest: me before you, asshole.

That isn't who I want to be. That's what I mean when I say that my soul hangs in the balance. If I get deployed again, I honestly don't think I'll have room for any emotion other than hate. Hate for me, hate for my superiors, hate for all of them. Hate for everything within sight. When you can't trust an eight year old boy, that's when you know things are really fucked up.

And make no mistake, things are VERY VERY fucked up. Fuck all of it. And fuck every second I spend waiting to find out what happens. DEMOCRACY LIVES. Hooah?!


themorethingschange.... said...

Is somebody trying to scare you into re-upping or has something specific happened?

Its really tempting to offer advice here but you know better than we do whats going on there.

Checked out that Stop Loss petition and was disappointed to learn there were only 7 signatures. What's up with that! Have we gotten so complacent that we don't sign a petition for something we believe in because we don't have the time, or because we figure enough somebody-elses will!?!

You've done your bit. Time for somebody else to step up.


Anonymous said...


He got the stop-loss letter.

*grumbles* frustrating...I'm crossing my fingers like never before for you, Ryan.

Infantry Dad said...

Your not alone Ryan.
The problem is, 'there aren't many like you who have the balls to say what your feeling.
And your commenter is correct.
11 sigs in three days is sad.
I'm working on that.
It won't do you or anyone in now any good. But maybe it will open some eyes. And help future soldiers.
I want 1000 signatures, and I won't let it rest until I get them.
I'm a patient man.
Keep writing friend, venting is good.

Infantry Dad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bigD said...

I would wrap you in the arms of grace,
For even a warrior needs to be held.

I would bring solace to your weary arms,
For the burden you have carried is heavy.

I would close your eyes in dreamless sleep,
And bring peace to your restless thoughts.

I would dry your tears of sorrow, And fill your soul with joy.

I would gather all the pieces of your broken heart,
And mend them with love.

God(s) bless you Ryan, I am hoping you find a hole in the net and swim like hell to freedom. I am with you either way.

rayanne said...

This is what happened to Dreadcow over at Fun with Handgrenades. He was stop Lossed and sent back to Iraq, and it just messed him over. He deleted all of his posts for the prior 3 years because he became so disgusted with it all. I really hope that doesn't happen to you.
Colby Buzzell was called back up but he was able to get a release for PTSD. He wrote an article about it, 'Welcome Back' it's on his blog, it's an option, it's pretty much a step by step guide on how to do it.
I would have thought with the drawing down of the troops over there by 2010, there would be no more mention of Stop Loss.

13 Stoploss said...

I was stop lossed in '05-'06 for my second tour, but I never got the letter. I'm just about to the point in my story where I post things I wrote from then that mirror your own now.

the anger subsides, but it's been over 2 years since I got back, and it hasn't left...

Alex said...

Same shit all the time. I never had to play the stop loss game, but I've seen others that have. The best advice I can give is to get the earliest school date possible and try to speed up the ACAP process. If you have some place to be, it can move quicker. Ask your CO to pull strings and push for an earlier date on top of terminal leave. It's getting too close to leave it up to a spinning chamber.

13 Stoploss said...

I wanted to add that you cannot be stop lossed if you have had household goods shipped, or have cleared transportation. obviously, this is crucial--BUT, if stop loss is announced for your unit, clearing will also cease. the window is small. if you are in the process of clearing, getting that trans stamp is what can save you.

Infantry Dad said...

Kinda handy issuing a stop loss order just in time so they can deploy within 90 days and be beyond the 12 month home rule. ha?Most of the brigade got home the first week of June?
Do the math.

Anonymous said...

Better git some astroglide, u r about to be fucked hard by the Army.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, kid, you're going to get out of this one way or another. We may be opinionated idiots, but we are behind you, and want things to turn out. Please don't be mad at yourself for joining up. There are plenty of us that make some big ones. Yes, you got fucked. Now focus on hanging on.

If EMT training means a better chance of staying alive, don't worry about entering the civilian world as an EMT! If you are stuck in the military, do what you can to get through it one piece. You can still get a "real" education.

Yes, you signed a contract. You weren't old enough to be trusted with a beer, but you were old enough for that... Stay alive, stay sane. And will you stop fucking worrying about money!!? Are you getting ready to retire or something?

Having to choose between the guys in uniform and your own future...Dude, if you have a choice it seems pretty clear to me. Don't agonize over that one. I'm not one to recommend unrequited love. z

Anonymous said...

Btw, you may notice when the last, indifferent, demon makes a final jab at you on the way out, the soul struggle was all internal. The ball's in your court on this one, babe. They don't know what a soul is. z

Anonymous said...

Btw, you may notice when the last, indifferent, demon makes a final jab at you on the way out, the soul struggle was all internal. The ball's in your court on this one, babe. They don't know what a soul is. z

red said...

All I can say is that I hope it doesn't happen. You don't deserve that. Unfortunately, the reality is that yes, you did sign that contract. If they want to, they can enforce it. Sucks? Life does that sometimes. We're behind you all the way, no matter what happens.

btw, frakking awesome piece of writing. You have an incredible ability to put your emotions RIGHT THERE on the screen. Amazing.

madtom said...

Someone told me the other day that the four year contract, was really about 29 years, if you know, they call you back on every "," in the contract. I wonder if that's true?

Anonymous said...

I think an option should be provided for soldiers like yourself. If you would really rather not abide by the terms of your enlistment beyond the minimum, you should be able to opt out after the initial term, pay your own way home from where ever you happen to be at the moment, and forgo all the benefits that were promised at the time you enlisted and are otherwise your due--- and certainly forgo all the benefits that were added AFTER you signed and weren't part of your original contract to begin with. Sound fair? You could fulfill your obligation or go your merry way. At least you can take away the knowledge that you should read legal documents thoroughly and research all the ramifications before signing and taking an oath and not enter into such solemn pacts for what were apparently primarily selfish reasons? GC

Jenni said...

"At least you can take away the knowledge that you should read legal documents thoroughly...and not enter into such solemn pacts for what were apparently primarily selfish reasons?"

Actually, Ryan read his contract more thoroughly than you might believe. From what I remember, the contract seemed a lot more concerned with informing soldiers about the "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding homosexuality than discussing stop loss. Ryan knew the stop loss clause was there, and still chose to sign up.

You must've only read the last of Ryan's posts, because if you'd have read his first couple posts, you'd see exactly why he joined, and would also understand that he joined for reasons that are anything but selfish.

He's done his time and paid his dues, so lay off the holier-than-thou comments...

Anonymous said...

I've been an EMT-P now for 18 years and the comment you made about your situation not being normal really hit home. I see things that would make most people vomit or pass out. Yet I have patience and their family members tell me how special I am and that I am lucky to be able to have a job like this. I do like helping people and making a difference, but sometimes I wonder at what cost am I paying for this, mentally and physically.