Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Kinda Funny Eh?

There's pages upon pages, resources, pamphlets and porno mags all designed to help you get into the Army. Over-eager recruiters and MEPS stations in convenient locations, like they're competing with Starbucks. Oh yeah, it's easy as all hell to get in, shore 'nuff.

And if you REEEEEEAALLY want to get out? Truth is, you can. But they got you by the balls with all sorts of punishment because maybe, just maybe, you don't want to be subjugated anymore.

"Hey man, you raised your hand, you made that oath!"

If I was really defending this country from enemies foreign and domestic, I'd be kicking down the doors of prime time game show/reality TV series locales and CLAYMORE CLAYMORE CLAYMORE and expending every last round I had, filling vapid celebrities with holes, then torching the entire place like one big Vietnamese hooch. Oh yeah, the flames would singe the sky and the letters HOLLYWOOD would turn blacker than the hearts of the soulless fucks that are ok with letting us get collectively dumber.

But that isn't the case. Still, do you want to join the Army? It's fucking EASY-PEASY, pal. They'll hold your hand every step of the way, even after you swear in and sign up, and they suddenly aren't so nice about it.

Yeah, getting in is pretty simple. But what about getting out?

How many pamphlets do you see laying around that explain how to go about wrapping your enlistment up? Your time is coming to a close, right? Sure, they got a program that helps you write resumes and maybe even look for jobs, great, but hold the fucking phone:


What form? Take it where? What do I need? How do I get it? Where do I go? Who do I talk to? What am I supposed to be doing? How do I go about taking care of myself for once?

Bitch, you don't. You fucking gear up and get ready to go do some more TRAINING! Training for what? Live-fire exercises so I can scan your groceries?

"You're still drawing a paycheck, you should still--"

THEN STOP THE FUCKING PAY. Point me to the VA so I can start letting them know just how fucked and medicated I am these days. Ask your chain of command? THEY RE-ENLISTED! They don't know how to get out! Even if they do, there is some strange deal where people in the Army don't LIKE to see other soldiers get out. The Lifers? They seem to hate that shit. God forbid you move on with your life and maybe, just MAYBE start treating it like it really is your own life.

So what next? Training? Sigh, see ya there sarge.


Big Tobacco said...

See you there, brother.

Anonymous said...

have you watched reality tv lately? bad girls club, the simple life, girls next door, and the original reality show: the real world (all right, i like that one too...but only because the ryan kid reminds me of you)

no wonder the rest of the world thinks america has gone to shit.

anyway, for some reason, i thought you were sworn in at the same time as bush four years ago.

which got me wondering why you still have a few months left if you only signed up for four years. but maybe i'm wrong...

only a handful of weeks left, and then you can come home and show me how to start those IV things =) don't stress too much, and say hi to the female for me!

love you,

bigD said...

Hi Suspect,
As always you have me laughing even when it is really not that f*cking funny. The best line of the post...how can I choose when there are so many? My favorite:
"Live fire exercises so I can scan your groceries!

After all you have been through, I know you know that the Army ain't gonna make it easy for you to get out. If it was easy everybody would be doin' it and then look at the crazy mess we would have on our hands. It is only the smart ones who can find their way out of that maze of bureaucratic bullsh*t.
Don't let them see you crying...give them all the PT and live fire training they want Suspect...meanwhile, you got that Bible I sent you with the spoon in it right? Start digging!

You always make me smile and I wish I could give you a big fat therapeutic hug right now. God(s) bless you Ryan.

P.S. - I can't believe Jen will let you start IV's on her. That should be fun. ;)

Anonymous said...

Suspect, be careful after they throw you from the moving vehicle. It's going to seem kind of spooky, and that's how they planned it. They want you to miss them, and even if there is no way you would re-enlist you could wind up a Moonie or something... Hey, who makes up these word verifications?? Mine is 'fauggi!'

Anonymous said...

Ummmm, don't listen to the guys teaching you how to write a resume. They don't know what they're doing. If you need one, call me.

take care,

Anonymous said...

i'd let doughboy start an IV on me anyday, but actually, he's being nice enough to share his CLS skills with me and let me practice on him for my nursing class. one victim down, four more to go ;)


Anonymous said...

Yeah, your little training soiree? It can go to Hell (which I have on good authority, for all intents and purposes, is exactly where they are sending you).

Aaaaanyway, I hope you at least get to blow some shit up.

In fact, I think that's the perfect birthday present. Try to blow something up for me, will ya?


(oh, and BigD is right. The grocery scanning comment is definitly the best part.)