Monday, August 18, 2008

Waiting For The Worms

In the early throes of nicoteine withdrawal, I abandon my quest to inventory every last goddawful piece of clothing and equipment issued to me.

Inventory and account for. And clean. Spotless. Everything. Things I haven't touched in two years. Not to use, mind you, not to turn them in. Not to do anything with except to stuff em into a dark crevice and forget about em again. Let them collect dust.

My list is three pages long. Fuck my life.

Humidity, like being inside the mouth of a whale. Got a fan going at all hours of the day, to keep the stagnant air and barracks stink moving. Can't let it seep into your bones. Can't sit still for too long, can't afford to ruminate, grow angry and mouthy. Must stay preoccupied. Preoccupied and invisible. Maybe giving up vice isn't the best means of doing this.

I think about going to the gym after work. But I won't go. Can't be bothered to join the new culture of GNC supplement-gobbling weightlifting Mixed Martial Arts enthusiasts. Too many of them.

Waiting for a couple weeks before the attempt at online courses begins. Vocabulary class, and another to remain untold for now. Anything to stay busy, stay distracted, to keep my sorry ass out of trouble.

On occasion, I can feel the hounds closing in, sniffing, patrolling. Gnarled teeth dripping with acidic saliva. Fire of hell burning in their eyes. Pretty sure they're sniffing out the short-timers. Some days you can smell the stink on us from the other side of the parking lot. The shitty attitudes, I mean. God help you if the wrong higher-up catches you running your mouth. Guess that's why I'm hiding in my barracks room, scribbling incoHeresy into a diary, like that little Jewish girl, Helen Keller. If any of you know the secret to invisibility, let me know.


Just caught a glimpse of something vomit-inducing on FauxNews. The soap opera "All My Dipshit Children" is having an open casting call for Iraq vets, to play the role of a wounded soldier. Fucking leeches.


Arli said...

The "little Jewish girl" was NOT Helen Keller. She was Anne Frank of Amsterdam. Helen Keller was the deaf and blind woman. Bravery and courage isn't limited to those with big mouths, muscles and/or guns.

another little Jewish Girl

Kat Verde said...

Yeah but Helen Keller was a communist, so who cares about her?
So you're quitting smoking Suspect? I suppose that could play a part in the disappearing post from a little bit ago. I was worried about you, though I know that knowledge doesn't magically make things easier. I will tell you the secret of staying invisible though--you've got to stay one step above mediocre. No one gives a rat's ass about the guy who's staying just above the bare minimum. It's the slackers and the over achievers who get noticed. Best of luck.

lorraine said...

Suspect - I absolutely love you. I want so desperately to read every word you regurgitate. It so reflects the way I feel about what my life is all about except that I am old and you are young and have all kinds of stuff "out there". Grab it all while you can and never stop writing. One book would set you up for a long coast. All your loyal readers would grab it up. Take care and don't let the man get you down. kat had the right idea. You won't have any trouble staying there. The gym will only give you arthritis later - take that form me. Keep writing at any rate. Again much love.

Big Tobacco said...

Smoking is cool and good for you to, kid. Don't let anybody tell you different.

One day, scientists are going to find out that lab rats get cancer naturally and you can smoke and drink all you want.


BigD said...

Hey Suspect,

1. Inventory sounds like a hellish way to waste time...why is the Army so into busy work?

2. Humidity is nasty is is not? Here in Maryland it is practically a year round feeling...therefore, the AC is always cranking in my world. Why don't they have AC in that smelly rain forest barracks you call home?

3. I generally abhor violence, but for some reason I am fascinated by MMA, much to the chagrin of all my friends and family? What is wrong with me?

4. I cannot wait to hear about your adventures into the online classroom. Vocab class? What the hell is that all about? You should be teaching that one. Wouldn't that be craptastic!

5. Giving up the smoking vice is a great idea! I recommend my vices instead. Sugar, salt and swearing!

6. "All My Dipshit Children?" Now is that any way to be?

God(s) bless you Ryan. Like they said in West Side Story...just keep it cool boy! Real cool!

P.S. - Stay away from the Sugar Plum Fairy, she is one crazy bi-atch who has been dancing in the "Land of Sweets" for way too long.

BigD said...

Please do not listed to BT about the smoking thing...smoking is NOT cool. I am trying to get him to stop too. LOL!

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you.
Not for the Iraq stuff, not for your service, but for the fact that you are making the best of a shitty situation and avoiding the self-destruction I've seen in so many people.

Maybe its having the benefit of seeing you in the real world, but I don't worry about you. Not one bit. I wish all your readers could see how you are outside of your venty posts. They'd love you even more.

As your hero Harvey Dent says: Its always the darkest before the dawn. But you already know that ;)

membrain said...

As a former heavy smoker who tried many times to quit before finally making it, I can defintely say that now is not a good time for you to quit smoking.

Think about waiting until you're out of the Army. Quitting smoking is extremely hard on the nerves and temperament. Why not wait until you've got something to celebrate; say like being a civilian again.

Oh, by the way: "incoHeresy". You still got it Suspect.

Tke care.

Anonymous said...

I am pretty good at being invisible. It was inadvertant, I had kids and got middle-aged. It works almost all the time, and when someone does see me I can play stupid, whee! Freedom at last!
Suspect, bless you a million times over for whacking on the smoking. It killed my wonderful brother when he was the same age I am now... I got way lucky and was able to quit in my early twenties. It was a spur of the moment decision, I decided to reject everything around me at that moment and the cigarette in my hand was part of the package. Sometimes I would dream I had smoked, and I would wake up wondering if I had!

Twenty-five years later I was in a stressful job and out of nowhere a little voice in my head said "when you get home you can have a cigarette." I didn't, but that voice still makes that suggestion sometimes. The body remembers.

Keep talking to us, dude!

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure the whole Helen Keller thing was a pun, arli.

P.S.-I'm not on blogger, which is why I am anonymous and don't have a Herbie Hancock.

USMC's Jewess said...

smoking makes your spunk taste like junk.

Big tobacco knows what I'm talking about.

just sayin'

Anonymous said...

I like your music. It shows how completely weird you are.

Anonymous said...

(Helen Keller)--Sounds like somebody's been watching "Arrested Development" in their spare time.

themorethingschange... said...

ok, maybe she was Jewish, how do we know? Don't remember reading about her religion just her blindness....

WHAT! Vocabulary class? Apart from the easy A (didn't we love all those we could find!), perhaps you can add your 'isms to the lexicon....

Gotta agree with membrain about the smoking thing, this may not be the best time. Sure, life is always stressful -- except for college which was just fun -- but its MANDATORY you keep your mouth shut till you get outta there ;)

Heard about that AMC thing. Annoyed me at first but I'm all for it if there's a vet who wants to do it, think of the paycheck s/he will get. S/he deservs some serious cash, imho.
the good thing about not getting those pain-in-the-ass letters right the first time is that the second try usually gives me fatter ones ;-)